Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Cosmic Brownies


I've been meaning to post this. Krysta and I made Cosmic Brownies (she insisted on the name) which were a delightful scenario and less of a challenge that I might have expected. When I wanted to make brownies for Miss Amanda Iris's return to town, I looked up "damn good brownies" and came up with this. I adapted the recipe, first by mixing in peanut butter blended with cream cheese which I simply threw in, though it may work best to melt and smear on top. The second adaptation was kind of more fun. Here is the recipe:

Cosmic Brownies
Wheat-free, no butter (not vegan, we included eggs)
Makes a lot of brownies and can can be sensibly split in half.

Preheat oven to 325 F

1 c cocoa powder
2 & 1/2 c white rice flour
1 tsp salt
Sift together. Set aside.

4 eggs
3 bananas, brown or frozen for easiest consistency
8 oz peanut butter
8 oz apple sauce
2 tsp vanilla
Blend together until smooth in a mixer, gradually add in dry ingredients. Mix for 3-5 minutes.

2/3 - 1 c dark chocolate chips
Pour into 2 greased 9x13 cake pans. Sprinkle chocolate chips evenly over the batter. Bake for 20-25 minutes. Note: You can make them thicker and cakier, which will definitely take longer time. We were both surprised how quickly these baked.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Writing Circle (18 August)

These transcriptions or somewhat delayed, but here they are. This is from a writing circle on Thursday. If you were unaware, I've been thinking often and writing regularly on the Vincenzi story. If you are just now visiting my blog and are from the writers' circle, welcome and I hope you enjoy yourself.

...

First Prompt: "I've had something to tell for a long time."

Sabeen came into the shop after almost no sleep. Her girlfriend had kept her up in the worst way. The aroma of yesterday's roasting hung in the air effecting her like a tonic. The night had been long but the morning promised to be short, even a blessing if she let it. She had not started but caused a rebirth, an unpleasant renaissance the night before. She had said, "I've had something to tell for a long time," and Sam had quieted down like a mouse caught in the stares of twilight. Her tone - it is always tone - had been painfully uncertain, but definitively unhesitant. Now though, there was only certainty. She knew the moves, the quiet morning dance of checking the drawers, the mugs, the shelf of leftover baked goods all wrapped for day-old discounts. And it all felt just that much sharper, jittery and faintly painful from lack of sleep and unresolved sentiment. She had begun that way and Sam was quiet as a mouse. They both were for longer than they ought to be. Their relationship had never been one of words, always one of actions. A dance interspersed by tones either fiery or warm. Never were they cold, just hot and dangerously hot. Sabeen filled the mill with the beans roasted the night before, the bottom-most still sultry and welcoming. She thought they must slumber there, rest all together in quiet, innocent joy. She wondered what that was like. It had evaded Sam and her, the two taken to more hazardous comforts. Sabeen had, breaking the long, creeping silence spoken first. Sam had been waiting through the painful silence for the words, for the tone, for the shift in their movements. Sabeen had explained as best as words allowed, what she wanted. With the mill running, she slipped her hand into that warm undercurrent of roasted beans and loved it, loved it with an unadulterated certainty. The beans didn't argue - though they might keep her up - and were nearly always patient. She had tried to speak of patience [end]

Second Prompt: Take the last line of the previous write, include three colors observed outside.

Her mother had tried to speak of patience. A woman who had never acted with quiet or reflection or even much experience spoke of patience. Alecia preferred the weird certainty of the dark, of hidden spaces and the secrets that might remain so (I think I intended "might be revealed") or might remain enshrouded despite being inches from them. The black, the shadow, the slip of stealth not of darkness but of others' refusal to see. Her mother had always acted like lightning, like the white hot electric current. She coursed through a room like a wave, causing hair on men's necks to rise, cheeks to flush, and women to whisper. Not of secrets - where Alecia was certain were black - but of lies which were brown. Brown. Brown was both a blessing akin to secrets, akin to the miracles of soil and emergent life, but also of shit or waste. Alecia knew, despite growing up in the city where such things are preferably kept from young girls' eyes, that shit awlays held growth, fertility, life. Lies, she though, must hold that same necessity of emergence, of potential. Lies were carriers of nonsense but also of creativity of something birthed into existence - sometimes quietly and sometimes with dire cacophony that never managed to vanish again. Lies took what wasn't and made them what was. Isn't that the miracle of soil? That in the black patient dark dwelt a nothing, a no-thing that may just - given enough time and enough madness - may shatter the surface into solar brilliance. Her mother - all light and fluidity - had created dark. In that nothing that secret, sat a quiet, certain starlight. [end]

Third Prompt: "No I won't tell your story."

My heart beats crazy
Not any sense or order,
just now now now now.
(Originally written with commas on the last line.)

You have spoken with
the same words, saying nothing
but me & me &

Where am I left now?
With your hate, your anger, that
does not stop with me.

You threw my chair out,
but that was not me or mine;
it was you, I think.

My room, my doorway,
with you & your fist in it;
& thunder ends us
(The semicolon was absent in the first draft. This is also when a catastrophic weather even "happens" during the prompt.)

When the rains came in
& swept away furniture,
what did our words mean?

The door crashed in, the
window shattered, & I
thought it was you.

(Rewritten for appropriate structure:
The door crashed in, the
window shattered, & I thought
you'd come back again.)

Lightning split the roof,
burned the earth, turned air between
us into ozone.

After the water
cleared, our bodies in macabre
embrace, flowers bloomed.

I am left with my heart still beating but feel that healing & calm are beginning in me. What is shit & what is black earth?

Final Prompt: "The feather fell from the sky" (or something like that)

It fell from the sky, whispering in movement, without a bird in the sky. I thought of wise, trickster Rave & of the God-King Horus. The Swan of midnight & of spirit, of royal & unattainable brilliance. Then, there was the eye, the eye of Peacock (originally "the peacock"), innumerable and all-seeing. It was this feather, the father or mother of these feathers, the Platonic ideal of "feather." It was all & it was nothing. Which bird flies with such a feather? Which struts? Which sings?

...

Note: I have been contemplating short story-style character sketches for various characters involved with Vincenzi. These are mostly to allow me a greater understanding of the people I am dealing with. Sabeen and her coffee shop - called Araby - are important in the story and Alecia - who befriends Alecia during her visit - will become integral in future plots concerning these characters. The haiku are about conflicts with one of my roommates, something I had attempted to set aside for the evening but came up immediately with the prompt. In other news, I have been fumbling through a few chapters of Vincenzi and may just yet hit my draft deadline if I keep at it.

...

Edit, Post-Script: I recently had a conversation with - how shall I say... - the inspiration for the haiku. For those in the know, this was a positive conversation that required some waiting out before having. It was a relief, but one that was obviously on its way as of two days ago or so. This is good news and I want to thank those who have been attentive and supportive.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Update - Vincenzi

Following a small Google search, I came across this, which suggests that though some novels are as short as 60,000 words and some as long as 520,000 words, most first novels that publishers look at range from 80,000 to 120,000 words. With that in mind, the draft of Vincenzi is hovering just shy of 90,000 words. I still have material to cover - though I am going to be close to the end of the month deadline I set for myself - and a good deal will be cut or integrated elsewhere in the book. (Most obviously, I am going to likely pull apart the introduction and put pieces of it elsewhere, such as allusions in pre-dinner conversation between Vincenzi and his father.) At this point, it will likely end up around or over 100,000 words and smack in the middle of the "average" length.

To do this, I compiled the separate chapters and checked the properties for word count. This is also the first-step for me to request editor and proofreader input. Considering that I started this at the end of March 2010, some serious revision is in store. I am still interested in finding people who would help me slog through the draft - or sections of the draft as I hope Miss Becca continues to do - and make it workable. If the past two months have been any indicator, I could potentially work on a follow up story draft by the end of next summer, something I have began framing last summer.

I am increasingly enamored with these characters and have been looking for and listening to their voices intently for the past several months. I have little interest in leaving them alone after assembling this first draft. Roommate and friend Tim recently received a several chapter chunk to read through at his leisure which I hope proves entertaining. Tim has commented a few times that he thinks this fusion of pulp detective and pulp horror makes me some sort of literary aficionado. I am not in agreement. Mostly I think of this as an exercise in my own geekiness, in linking two genres that have a parallel history of birth, popular success, and quiet integration into other media and genres only to more recently undergo a renaissance. The most obvious example I've come across is Shadows Over Baker Street, a purportedly uneven collection of stories fusing Sherlock Holmes with Eldritch Horrors (a la Lovecraft).

That said, and as I have said before, I don't think of this as a simple story. I have arranged various clues in the text to lead into future stories that develop a world and meta-plot focused on language, power, control, and rebellion. This is in part steeped in my reading into the Occult care of the late Kenneth Grant who has taken the Cthulhu Mythos very seriously in his exploration of extracosmic forces, magic, and global paradigm shifting. Increasingly his arguments are integrated into the characters capable of pulling the strings behind the action. One particular subject of interest is the Aeon of Maat which is also described as the Wordless Aeon in Outside the Circles of Time. Not to mention that starting to write Vincenzi came out of encountering William S Burroughs (incidentally, the name is partially integrated into the character Cranston Murlough) and his notions of nova outlaws and word viruses. These are, to me, the ideal constituents of a (not the) contemporaneous interpretation of Lovecraft and the words of power - especially black speech - that literally and figuratively riddle his work.

Finally, there is the common role of apocalyptic literature, a fascination of mine since I was probably ten or eleven. Apocalyptic literature has been part of the narrative human experience for most of the history of civilization. Note that I definitely doubt apocalyptic genres as being part of Paleolithic and likely Neolithic experience and culture. What I affirm is that human history is replete with attempts to define the end of the world in some form; that is, we are looking around the corner and seeing the dawn of a new age at the expense of the current. We live as much as ever in a revolutionary period and similar to the story "The Year of the Jackpot" and one of the speakers in Waking Life, this may come to some sort of head. Vincenzi is one way or articulating a story about such revolutionary and, yes, apocalyptic change and psychic evolution that is so crucial to Kenneth Grant's writing.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Haiku - Hopi Reservation et al.

Rusted stone made sharp
by distance softens to small,
infinite detail.
...
A waterway left
stagnant, remains a blessing
in this bereft place.
...
Time peeled away -
by wind, snow, rain - gathers at
the foot; returning.
...
Patches of green on
the red & yellow fabric
fluttering in place.

These are from last Thursday's trip (11 August) to the Hopi Reservation to visit with Red Feather, an affordable housing organization doing strawbale buildings. It was part of my internship with the Sustainable Building Program and was interesting and exciting, and just somewhat frustrating. These are mostly comments on the landscape which was beautiful and austere.

Also:

[2 August, Rain]
Does a drop make rain,
or the percussive song, or
umbrella-less-ness?
...
[3 August, Heritage Square]
Stone hewn & raw, born
& borne here; what names are known
to the stone alone?
...
[6 August, inspired by an old voicemail from Anna]
Listening to past
voices, loving parallels
& coming future.
...
[7 August, yardwork]
Here I have made a
shelter, just wood & stone &
green, sun-born shadows.
...
Hands that have sculpted
an earthen cradle for our
small, warm reaching flames.
...
[7 August, reflecting on occult research]
A mother spider
looms in occult space, pregnant
with bastard children.
...
Quine jests of chasing
squirrels around trees, but that
tree is not the Tree.
...
One, two, three... numbers,
not time. What then, is time &
what revolves outside?

Waking Early

I got woken up early today, when most consider the day is still night. It wasn't what I had hoped for, but in the end I can't say that I mind. It - as well as another sort of frustrating awakening - has me thinking about using time and making time. I recall my junior year at Gustavus when I made a point to do everything I wanted to through force of making myself do them. I ended up crashing two months into the semester, but it was definitely a lesson. A lesson of what, I'm still trying to figure out.

My bedroom is the best lit in the house and I have that as a semi-excuse for staying in bed to work, despite being reticent to do so. I like my bed and I have amicably shared it more than once over the past week. Strange, I suppose, that it provided me so little repose last night. I have things on my mind and I can't say I know what to do with them. A few days ago I spoke with Miss Krysta about meditation. My friend and professor Dean Curtin would refer to meditation and being something to do with wild monkeys. Your brain is full of wild monkeys bouncing every which way you can imagine. I brought this up to Krysta. Meditation has never been something I thought of as particularly calming during the process. The process itself is pretty stressful. Imagine seeing all the things that have come up in your head - errands, responsibilities, news, politics, friends & family, romance, frustrations, grocery lists, a cluttered table or kitchen or desk - and just watching them whiz by.

Yikes.

But that isn't exactly where you are in meditation. At least, not where I am. Or Krysta for that matter. All that stuff that's in your head, well, it is you but it also not you; you can see it outside of your vantage. Meditation is a steady practice of observing the inside as the outside and, inevitably, the outside as the inside. Of course you're thinking about the cluttered desk, it's where you left the grocery list that you need to fulfill in order to kick dinner for someone who wants to come over and the kitchen is still messy from last night so you'll have to clean it before you can even use it today. Yep, yikes. Meditation and living mindfully - which I think includes cleaning up the kitchen - is about setting the world around you in order or perceiving the order in the chaos so that your internal world is in order or calming. It isn't ever perfect and all, but at least you can see it out there where it can be worked on and it isn't just in your head where it can hide in dusty, dark corners.

I pulled out my bodhi beads the other day and have them slung through my headboard. I showed them to Miss Amanda Iris last night and reminisced about India. Our conversation - the first in person in three months - had me a little nervous, sort of like the nerves of meeting someone new that you want to impress, but not exactly. The beads should have been with me for some time now, but I haven't done that. A mala - just a word for prayer beads - is a center for composing oneself, for breathing mindfully despite the running around of the day. Often, they are looped around the wrist and gradually handled as one breathes "Om Mani Padme Hum" or simply takes the time to inhale and exhale with patience and even kindness.

I fall in and out of practice somewhat too regularly. I never intend to let it slip, but early hours can be difficult and putting off breakfast or dressing for work or going to work can be just a little too much. That said, I can take that patience and kindness I have expressed to my breathing, to myself, to my monkey-like thoughts and pass them on to the people I see, work with, relate to, care for, and come into conflict. If one wants to do something well, do something right, one ought to start with oneself and work outward. If you expect to find guidance or satisfaction in the world outside then it will be more unreliable and likely will come short in relating to your inner realm. Often I have read how the human body - in full, not just tissue, bone, synapses, blood, and so on - is a microcosm of the Universe. I'm not sure if that's true. What I do believe, though, is that our perception of the Universe is ultimately a reflection of our perception of ourselves. It is not that what we are is the same as what is out there, but that we make what we are the same as what is out there. If we see a chaotic and cluttered world, that is because we have also become so; if we see a world of compassion and kindness, of beauty and harmony, then we are seeing that inside of ourselves as much as around us.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Also, Mix July-August 2011

I've been meaning to post this. Let me know if you want a copy.

Something Like Summertime
1. Pursuit of Happiness by Barbara (Kid Cudi Cover)
2. Know Better Learn Faster by Thao with The Get Down Stay Down
3. Suffragette City by David Bowie
4. Bad Girl by Eli "Paperboy" Reed
5. Feel So Good by Loudon Wainwright III
6. Sugar Baby by Bob Dylan
7. Time by Tom Waits
8. Bad Education by Tilly and The Wall
9. Who by Fire by Leonard Cohen
10. The Painter's Arm by Paper Tiger
11. City With No Children by Arcade Fire
12. Sun Lips by Black Moth Super Rainbow
13. It's Going Down (ft. Lateef the Truth Speaker & Keke Wyatt) by Blackalicious
14. An Eternity Turns by Echo & The Bunnymen
15. Zombie by The Cranberries
16. I Am Leaving by Blue Roses
17. By Boat by Andy McWilliams
18. Go On by Basia Bulat
19. The Wind and the Dove by Bill Callahan
20. The Sun Highlights The Lack in Each by Bonnie Prince Billy

Reflections on Affections

I have been thinking of love of late. For those who have known me a while, this is not news. I become enamored quickly and love to dote on friends and especially sweethearts. I overthink things. After considering various terms of endearment, I decided that "sweethearts" is preferable to just about anything else. Not only is it gender neutral, it is heart-warming and endearingly jaded. Words that have fallen out of use earn my affection.

That isn't the same kind of affection I am thinking of though. After a knockabout month of travels at the beginning of the summer (all I posted in the month of May was a poem by e.e. cummings), I have attempted to abstain from romantic entanglements. There are reasons for this which I will not here go into. What I think has developed over that period is a perception of the affection of others. (I hope you're not getting tired of literary devices, I fear they will be coming around again in this post.) The previous year has set me in a community where I am around friends and colleagues noticeably older, and sometimes younger, than myself. I am happy for that. Just like the year before that I was allowed to appreciate my mother more thoughtfully and more graciously than I ever managed in high school or college, I have been given the gift of expanded perception.

I have been reading Kenneth Grant, an occult historian and magician (or whatever the preferred nom for the magically inclined) who refers heavily to Aleister Crowley. Crowley and Grant both have a great deal to say on how reason, the sentiments, and the self interrelate. Perhaps it is surprising that these considerations are rather challenging to me. Though I have not read Ayn Rand, I think the effect is similar: All of a sudden, one realizes that one doesn't exactly believe the agenda set forth, but it seeps into one's mind all the same. What I mean to say is that my conceptualization of love comes to mind regularly in both reading (whether it is Grant and the Vincenzi story or on cohousing and community building) and day-to-day reflections.

What gets me is that these wonderful pairings of people have a real sense of one another. The women - as is my habit, I am better acquainted with the women of these pairs - have a profound sympathy with their partners. Sympathy meaning "same feeling" (sun/with - pathos/suffering or feeling) and it is clear that that reality of same feeling is lived for these couples. What further excites my attention is that the relative longevity of their relationships doesn't make them any less youthful from time to time.

Let me relate an image. Love is often considered a flame, a fire burning between two people. It can be in the heart, mind, or spirit. Sometimes that flame is out of control, as in Romeo & Juliet (this is one of the reasons I have never taken to the play) or a passed relationship described in What We Talk About When We Talk About Love by Raymond Carver. When one is young or inspired to youthfulness by love, the fire is hot, uncontrolled, and wild. Its tongues whip the air all around it and threaten the stability of nearby trees, passers-by, buildings, and such. Any attempts to control the fire can force it even higher. (This is actually the case when attempting to use water to squelch the most dangerous of forest fires because the water breaks down into hydrogen and oxygen, which only feed the fire.) This can also be the case when one or both of the partners involved is poorly controlled; that is the person at the party who keeps feeding the fire when it is already good and hot, especially when "feeding" involves the more combustible of fluids. Love, in this case, is deliciously chaotic and lively, but potentially terrifying and aggressive.

Though I think of myself as a passionate person, even from time to time as a romantic person - a sense of myself I've never been able to shake - this is not a love that I am especially enamored with, so to speak. Rather than the over-the-top blistering heat of a wildfire, I become more and more invested in the slow, smoldering burning love. I think it is odd that "smolder" is a term that sometimes describes young lovers who "burn" for one another. What I see more and more is smoldering love that has lasted through seasons, has been tended through rains, and has had its heated peaks and its cool offs; what remains are the embers that persevere and reignite the fire after distance and - heaven forbid otherwise - the partners know that the flame is burning bright after a twilight session. (This is more than a little inspired by the fireside soirée a week ago when the embers of the fire remained sheltered under a terra cotta pot and burned slowly for hours.)

Love, the long-lasting smoldering of affection I have been witness to of late, has that power for those around it. Whereas the wildfire affections of the young (of which I am, nor really most anyone is, not exempt from) consume their surroundings and require the addition of greater and greater quantities of fuel, this other affection warms those around it even if they are not party to it. It can be fierce and insistent (I noticed the terra cotta pot was untouchable in no time), it can tug you by the hand and pull you along, but it provides as much if not more than it takes. In a way, this is perhaps an expression of gratitude to those in love around me, those who have allowed me the pleasure of enjoying the warmth that they radiate. Then, there is also the way that seeing it, knowing it even if from the outside is keenly educational. I was told recently of the maturity I have as a young man and the perspicaciousness I have - on occasion, at least - concerning the feelings of those around me. This is an echo of comments I have heard before, but do appreciate it. I think, though, I am being humbled by the behaviors and emotions so pleasantly, wisely, and sincerely manifest around me.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Kiva & Haiku

I just got this email from Kiva. Kiva connects folks with a little bit of money to folks who are asking for a little bit of money in the form of a loan. It seems that Kiva is looking for more lenders (which is awesome) and you can "get" $25 to lend care of, well, Kiva. I've written of Kiva and financial independence, political capabilities, and so on here if you want a little more info. Or, just check out their site. If you want to lend, follow this link for "free" lending money.

Welcome to the month of August! This is the month I am determined to get through a draft of Vincenzi! Give me some encouragement and check in to make sure I'm on top of it! At this rate, I think I need to write a chapter every three days or so, which means about three pages a day. No more late nights unless I get it carried away. Also, I am nearly done with the Business Plan (Appendix I) for my thesis. Though it may sound funny to be writing an appendix now, I want to use it to apply for grants. It also acts as a summary of the paper, or at least what I am building toward with my paper while taking advantage of the research I have done this summer. Unfortunately, I think I am going to have to tediously sort through research notes in order to fill a literature review and bibliography appropriately. If you were unaware, I am somewhat loathesome of literature reviews.

As a close, a few haiku (from 28 July):

[House]
Cut down the timbers,
notch & assemble, but what
is lost & what gained?

...

[Sprouts]
Soak overnight, sit
in puddles of light, observe
the slivers of green.

...

[Yogurt]
Spirits in pure, white
cream perform their alchemy
with flame & my spoon.