The First of the Gray Days

Autumn has come with low skies and the making of soup. Moving around feels heavy and drab, my bicycle gears are more stubborn now than they've ever been and getting about is a bit more laborious than I expect. Hopefully I can spend some time well accompanied on cool walks with pleasant conversation abounding. For these early days, I am caught unaware and not exactly sure of what to do with myself.

For the first time in about three weeks, I sat down and meditated. Though moderately distracted, it wasn't unfocused or difficult. Rather, I felt connected and--if not exactly calm--sincerely reflective. More than yoga or tai chi, zazen fills a psychic space for me with remains with me the rest of the day. Perhaps my occasional lethargy has transformed itself into something quieter, potentially enriching, and I feel again in a peaceful space.

With news (and complaints) of my friends' collective living conditions, I am increasingly envious of their proximity to others. Having returned home, this space is warm and familiar, the time spent with my mother is really wonderful and I am thankful for the way things have fallen together. All the same, I am increasingly aware that for my own well-being and satisfaction, such time is limited and it may be good to now be pushing for my way out via graduate school next fall (if all goes according to the present agenda). More now than ever, I can acknowledge and treasure the good fortune of a quality bond with my mother, a bond that not too many of my friends seem to share. Now that I have learned of my fortunate circumstances, preserving it is all the more important; but doing so means knowing when to stay and when to leave.

...

Tomorrow I plan on making spicy cinnamon brownies. I will post a recipe of the whole wheat baguettes I made today then as well. I have been thinking of my fellow travelers from my semester in Brazil. I have spent a good portion of the past two years traveling and I hope that this is not some early sign of cabin fever. If it is, I suppose I'll have to pack up my backpack and figure out a route to see some missed friends. Then again, I may have to do so anyway.