Waking Early

I got woken up early today, when most consider the day is still night. It wasn't what I had hoped for, but in the end I can't say that I mind. It - as well as another sort of frustrating awakening - has me thinking about using time and making time. I recall my junior year at Gustavus when I made a point to do everything I wanted to through force of making myself do them. I ended up crashing two months into the semester, but it was definitely a lesson. A lesson of what, I'm still trying to figure out.

My bedroom is the best lit in the house and I have that as a semi-excuse for staying in bed to work, despite being reticent to do so. I like my bed and I have amicably shared it more than once over the past week. Strange, I suppose, that it provided me so little repose last night. I have things on my mind and I can't say I know what to do with them. A few days ago I spoke with Miss Krysta about meditation. My friend and professor Dean Curtin would refer to meditation and being something to do with wild monkeys. Your brain is full of wild monkeys bouncing every which way you can imagine. I brought this up to Krysta. Meditation has never been something I thought of as particularly calming during the process. The process itself is pretty stressful. Imagine seeing all the things that have come up in your head - errands, responsibilities, news, politics, friends & family, romance, frustrations, grocery lists, a cluttered table or kitchen or desk - and just watching them whiz by.

Yikes.

But that isn't exactly where you are in meditation. At least, not where I am. Or Krysta for that matter. All that stuff that's in your head, well, it is you but it also not you; you can see it outside of your vantage. Meditation is a steady practice of observing the inside as the outside and, inevitably, the outside as the inside. Of course you're thinking about the cluttered desk, it's where you left the grocery list that you need to fulfill in order to kick dinner for someone who wants to come over and the kitchen is still messy from last night so you'll have to clean it before you can even use it today. Yep, yikes. Meditation and living mindfully - which I think includes cleaning up the kitchen - is about setting the world around you in order or perceiving the order in the chaos so that your internal world is in order or calming. It isn't ever perfect and all, but at least you can see it out there where it can be worked on and it isn't just in your head where it can hide in dusty, dark corners.

I pulled out my bodhi beads the other day and have them slung through my headboard. I showed them to Miss Amanda Iris last night and reminisced about India. Our conversation - the first in person in three months - had me a little nervous, sort of like the nerves of meeting someone new that you want to impress, but not exactly. The beads should have been with me for some time now, but I haven't done that. A mala - just a word for prayer beads - is a center for composing oneself, for breathing mindfully despite the running around of the day. Often, they are looped around the wrist and gradually handled as one breathes "Om Mani Padme Hum" or simply takes the time to inhale and exhale with patience and even kindness.

I fall in and out of practice somewhat too regularly. I never intend to let it slip, but early hours can be difficult and putting off breakfast or dressing for work or going to work can be just a little too much. That said, I can take that patience and kindness I have expressed to my breathing, to myself, to my monkey-like thoughts and pass them on to the people I see, work with, relate to, care for, and come into conflict. If one wants to do something well, do something right, one ought to start with oneself and work outward. If you expect to find guidance or satisfaction in the world outside then it will be more unreliable and likely will come short in relating to your inner realm. Often I have read how the human body - in full, not just tissue, bone, synapses, blood, and so on - is a microcosm of the Universe. I'm not sure if that's true. What I do believe, though, is that our perception of the Universe is ultimately a reflection of our perception of ourselves. It is not that what we are is the same as what is out there, but that we make what we are the same as what is out there. If we see a chaotic and cluttered world, that is because we have also become so; if we see a world of compassion and kindness, of beauty and harmony, then we are seeing that inside of ourselves as much as around us.